A week before Christmas I went in for my annual check up. Things were going well, till my dr. asked me if I had any other questions. Well... I brought up a couple of things I had been wondering about. 1. This little pinch I felt every once in a while in my lower abdomen. Since I had everything removed except ovaries about 13 yrs. ago... I wondered what else in that area would cause pain. 2. I have felt like I've had swollen glands now for like a year. Never really goes away, but lately I've felt like I couldn't swallow. Completely unaware of anything that would cause that feeling... just assumed it was me being hypersensitive.
Well.. Dr. sent me for some sonograms. Wouldn't you know ... cysts. Really in both places, however in my throat, I have nodules. A couple ... one in particular that she was concerned about. It's hard... not fluid filled like soft cysts. SHE'S scheduled an appt with a surgeon... with a biopsy in the near future. I have been reading about both issues... nothing really to worry about just to be proactive about and keep an eye on. However, I guess what I'm really thankful for? I'm thankful that I spoke up and asked the doctor about the things I really wondered about. If either problem ends up to be something serious, we would have never found it, if I hadn't spoke up. Neither issue was obvious to the Doctor, or noticeable on the outside of my body. She would have never known I had a problem.
I tell everyone now... SPEAK UP... ASK QUESTIONS... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. NO ONE ELSE WILL. :)
I FLIPPING QUIT.... PERIOD!
Today, another Saturday morning. Bright sunshine... crisp fall temperatures. I just had to come and reflect on my first week of husband working 2nd shift. Rather odd.. he slept as I was leaving for work. By the time I got home he was long gone. Our only conversation was via phone call I placed on my lunch break Thursday. Yes.. that's right ZERO... communication for 5 full days, excluding a 10 minute phone call. OH.. I lied, there was a 10 word text one day about our washer that had broken and his agreement to spend $450 to REPAIR IT. Sigh... another whole story in itself.
SO how did I feel?? What did I do?? To say I wasn't lonely is a lie... Did I go running to all my friends asking them to entertain me? No.... I honestly want to sit in silence. Experience the life of actually being alone. Funny was talking to a friend Sunday. Told her a little of what my life was like here.. she said... "Now, you might be lonely, but it will because you are ALONE, not because of your lack of relationship with your husband.". OMG... how true was that?? I was lonely at times, however, I got a lot of school work done, started reading a book I'd been wanting to read, watch some mushy movies, started going back to the gym. Ate when and what I wanted. Cooked if I felt like it. Was I a bit lonely? yes... was I sad? Honestly NO.
I had my annual check up yesterday... and although I've gained back nearly 30 lbs of the 80 I'd lost. ( sigh ) , for being 50 and overweight, I was in extremely good health. Everything was great.... YIPPEE! I got to enjoy a day off ... if you want to use the word "enjoy" loosely. I had my physical, blood work, and a mammogram all in one day. Also had lunch with husband before he went to work... I actually suggested it.
As we sat there, eating in relative silence.The words almost slipped out of my mouth a few times. What words you ask? "Doesn't living like this bother you at all?" The only question I want to hear a response to. Though as I roll my eyes, I know the answer without hearing it. He'd probably say, " What do you mean?" Which would again answer my question loud and clear.... NO! He's perfectly content, living with no real relationship, because he's never really had one. Being the recluse that he is.. he doesn't touch people. Physically, spiritually or emotionally. I remember way back in the early days, I had this fantasy of having a Godly spiritual man to lead my family, so I initiated praying before bed with him. That lasted about a year... maybe 2. Could have been less time I can't remember anymore. He finally said to me,
"Praying together is just too personal for me. I just can't do it anymore." Personal??? MY goodness... we're married, have a baby... back then sex 4 or 5 times a week.. he got oral whenever he wanted. Yet, praying together was to personal. YOU see what I mean about him not really able to have a relationship with anyone? Should have left right then and there.
Ooops... off on a tangent again. Sorry!
The topic of this blog, how am I feeling after being alone. I feel fine. I like me... do I want to get out more? Sure... Do I plan on getting together with girlfriends? YES!! This experiment of spending time with me has taught me something very valuable. I"M okay alone. I'm not sad... actually rather content. I didn't just survive week one, I thrived.
Waking up in an empty quiet house. Everyone out and about doing their own things... I'm alone. Alone to think.. Alone to work... Alone to dream and wish for something more fulfilling. Is it wrong to feel so discontent? Should I just be resigned to live in an emotionless, passionless empty marriage? NO connection... so intimacy... no communication?
Dang, I am such a warm fuzzy person. I love to hug... laugh... travel... dance... sing... meet people. Why should I continue to sit like lump day after day... giving up everything I am for everything he is not. This has been an on going debate with myself for so many years. My kids are now in their 20's... working on making their own lives. Suppose I should follow their example and make my own life?
I realize, it's not about sex.... or a relationship. Its about me...doing what I love. Being what I want to be. Not I don't long for a good healthy relationship which would hopefully include sex.. I DO! I've been looking for the wrong things... thinking if I have that sexual relationship the emotional relationship will follow. IN my marriage... that's what I did. Sex... pregnancy... marriage. While standing at the altar, I was praying that it would be a "happily ever after ending"... hoping that eventually I'd fall in love. After all he loved me... didn't he? That's what he said.
Funny after years of marriage, I realize he really has no ability to love anyone but himself. I highly doubt if he even has a somewhat normal definition of "love". How can I expect him to truly love me? Another one of those rhetorical questions.... HE CAN'T.
SO..... HERE I am... 6:30 on a Saturday morning, typing a blog titled "Status Quo", wondering how can this life actually change? I KNOW the answer... the only way it can change, is if I choose to change it.
Previous PostsThyroid Nodules, posted January 9th, 2013
I quit, posted March 17th, 2012
One Week Down, posted November 19th, 2011
Status quo, posted November 5th, 2011, 1 comment
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